Home Forums Community Related General, Off Topic Re: JOKES TOPIC

last updated by Cole Phelps 9 years ago
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  • #15605
    taylor
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    Not being on the internet for a couple of days, obviously means you’re dead

    #15611
    cogkicker
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    Lol, heard this a while back…

    A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral

    director to hold a grave side committal service at a

    small local cemetery for someone with no family or

    friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself

    lost, making several wrong turns. He arrived a half-hour

    late, the hearse was no where in site, and the workmen

    were eating lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service. As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the

    workmen say: “I’ve never seen anything like that before, and I’ve been working on septic tanks for twenty years.”

    #15643
    Cole Phelps
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    There are four kinds of sex :

     

    HOUSE SEX – When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

    BEDROOM SEX – After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

    HALL SEX – After you’ve been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say “FUCK YOU”

    COURTROOM SEX – When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you’ve got.

     

     

    Son:”Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!”

    Father: “That’s great son. Who is she?”

    Son: “It’s Sandra, the neighbor’s daughter”

    father: “Ohhh I wish you hadn’t said that.

    I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.

    Sandra is actually your sister.

    “The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later …

    Son: “Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!”

    Father: “That’s great son. Who is she?”

    Son: “It’s Angela, the other neighbor’s daughter.”

    Father: “Ohhhh I wish you hadn’t said that.Angela is also your sister.”

    This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,

    he went straight to his mother crying.

    Son:”Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can’t date any of them because dad is their father!”

    The mother hugs him affectionately and says: “My love, you can date whoever you want. Dont listen to him He isn’t your father.”

     

     

    A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

    Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.

    The young man lowers his window . “Uh, yes, officer?” The cop says: “What are you doing?”

    The young man says: “Well, Officer, I’m reading a magazine.” Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?” The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.”

    Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover’s lane….and nothing obscene is happening!

    The cop asks: “What’s your age, young man?”

    The young man says, “I’m 22, sir.” The cop asks, “And her … what’s her age?”

    The young man looks at his watch and replies: “She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”

     

     

    Ultimate Insult…!!!

    A woman & her son were riding

    in a taxi.

    All the prostitutes were standing

    at a bus stop.

    Boy: Mom, what are these women

    doing here?

    Mom: They are waiting for their

    husband.

    Taxi driver: Why don’t you tell him

    the truth, that they are hookers &

    have sex with men for money.

    Boy: Is that true Mom?

    Mom: (Glaring hard at the driver)

    says, YES.

    Kid asks: Mom, what happens to

    the babies these women have?

    ââ â

    ââ â

    ââ â

    ââ â

    ââ â

    ââ â

    ââ â

    ââ â

    ââ â

    Mom: They become taxi

    drivers…!!!

     

     

    By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. “You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don’t care where.”

    “Well, I do have a double room with one occupant a Navy guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it would be worth it to you.”

    “No problem,” the tired Marine assured him. “I’ll take it.” The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

    “How’d you sleep?” asked the manager. “Never better,” replied the Marine. The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”

    “Nope, I shut him up in no time,” said the Marine. “How did you manage that?” asked the manager.

    “He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”

     

     

    A Boyfriend texts his Girlfriend

    saying “Hey babe you wanna

    come over and have sex?”

    Girlfriend texts back “Duh!”

    So the girl goes over her

    Boyfriends house, and right

    before they get into it, he sets the

    boundaries. “Ok, so my little

    brother is home, and I have bunk

    beds. He’s on the bottom bunk. If

    you want it harder, you say

    tomato. If you want it faster, you

    say lettuce, and if you want to

    moan you say any other

    ingredients that would be on a

    sandwich.”

    So they’re up on the top bunk

    having sex, and she’s yelling

    “Tomato! Tomato! Lettuce!

    Lettuce! Cheese! Cheese!”

    Well the little brother is still on the

    bottom bunk and yells “Hey can

    you guys knock it off, your getting

    Mayonnaise all over me!!!”

     

     

    A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.

    As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

    Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, “You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here.”

    The astonished Chinese man replied, “It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese”.

    “Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same,” replied Spielberg.

    In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, “You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship.”

    Shocked, Spielberg replies, “It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.”

    The Chinese replies, “Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you’re all the same.”

     

     

    In a train compartment, there are

    3 men and a ravishing young girl.

    The four passengers join in

    conversation, which very soon

    turns to the erotic. Then, the

    young girl proposes, “If each of

    you will give me $1.00, I will show

    you my legs.” The men, charmed

    by this young girl, all pull a buck

    out of their wallet. And then the

    girl pulls us her dress a bit to

    show her legs. Then she says, “If

    each of you gentlemen will give

    me $10.00, I’ll show you my

    thighs,” and men being what they

    are, they all pull out a ten dollar

    bill. The girl pulls up her dress all

    the way to her legs in full.

    The conversation continues, and

    the men, a bit excited, have all

    taken off their coats. Then the

    young girl says, “If you will give

    me $100, I will show you where I

    was operated on for

    appendicitis.” All three fork over

    the money. The girl then turned to

    the window and points outside at

    a building they’re passing.

    “See there in the distance. That’s

    the hospital where I had it done!”

     

     

    994324_617113121654222_1014026488_n.png

     

    In other world, LMFAO 😆

     

    https://www.facebook.com/AzzyHassebHaveDirtyMind

    #15644
    Cole Phelps
    Participant
    Bank Notes: $ 8,505
    Rank:

    There are four kinds of sex :

     

    HOUSE SEX – When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

    BEDROOM SEX – After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

    HALL SEX – After you’ve been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say “FUCK YOU”

    COURTROOM SEX – When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you’ve got.

     

     

    Son:”Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!”

    Father: “That’s great son. Who is she?”

    Son: “It’s Sandra, the neighbor’s daughter”

    father: “Ohhh I wish you hadn’t said that.

    I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.

    Sandra is actually your sister.

    “The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later …

    Son: “Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!”

    Father: “That’s great son. Who is she?”

    Son: “It’s Angela, the other neighbor’s daughter.”

    Father: “Ohhhh I wish you hadn’t said that.Angela is also your sister.”

    This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,

    he went straight to his mother crying.

    Son:”Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can’t date any of them because dad is their father!”

    The mother hugs him affectionately and says: “My love, you can date whoever you want. Dont listen to him He isn’t your father.”

     

     

    A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

    Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.

    The young man lowers his window . “Uh, yes, officer?” The cop says: “What are you doing?”

    The young man says: “Well, Officer, I’m reading a magazine.” Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?” The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.”

    Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover’s lane….and nothing obscene is happening!

    The cop asks: “What’s your age, young man?”

    The young man says, “I’m 22, sir.” The cop asks, “And her … what’s her age?”

    The young man looks at his watch and replies: “She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”

     

     

    Ultimate Insult…!!!

    A woman & her son were riding

    in a taxi.

    All the prostitutes were standing

    at a bus stop.

    Boy: Mom, what are these women

    doing here?

    Mom: They are waiting for their

    husband.

    Taxi driver: Why don’t you tell him

    the truth, that they are hookers &

    have sex with men for money.

    Boy: Is that true Mom?

    Mom: (Glaring hard at the driver)

    says, YES.

    Kid asks: Mom, what happens to

    the babies these women have?

    ââ â

    ââ â

    ââ â

    ââ â

    ââ â

    ââ â

    ââ â

    ââ â

    ââ â

    Mom: They become taxi

    drivers…!!!

     

     

    By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. “You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don’t care where.”

    “Well, I do have a double room with one occupant a Navy guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it would be worth it to you.”

    “No problem,” the tired Marine assured him. “I’ll take it.” The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

    “How’d you sleep?” asked the manager. “Never better,” replied the Marine. The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”

    “Nope, I shut him up in no time,” said the Marine. “How did you manage that?” asked the manager.

    “He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”

     

     

    A Boyfriend texts his Girlfriend

    saying “Hey babe you wanna

    come over and have sex?”

    Girlfriend texts back “Duh!”

    So the girl goes over her

    Boyfriends house, and right

    before they get into it, he sets the

    boundaries. “Ok, so my little

    brother is home, and I have bunk

    beds. He’s on the bottom bunk. If

    you want it harder, you say

    tomato. If you want it faster, you

    say lettuce, and if you want to

    moan you say any other

    ingredients that would be on a

    sandwich.”

    So they’re up on the top bunk

    having sex, and she’s yelling

    “Tomato! Tomato! Lettuce!

    Lettuce! Cheese! Cheese!”

    Well the little brother is still on the

    bottom bunk and yells “Hey can

    you guys knock it off, your getting

    Mayonnaise all over me!!!”

     

     

    A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.

    As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

    Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, “You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here.”

    The astonished Chinese man replied, “It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese”.

    “Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same,” replied Spielberg.

    In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, “You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship.”

    Shocked, Spielberg replies, “It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.”

    The Chinese replies, “Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you’re all the same.”

     

     

    In a train compartment, there are

    3 men and a ravishing young girl.

    The four passengers join in

    conversation, which very soon

    turns to the erotic. Then, the

    young girl proposes, “If each of

    you will give me $1.00, I will show

    you my legs.” The men, charmed

    by this young girl, all pull a buck

    out of their wallet. And then the

    girl pulls us her dress a bit to

    show her legs. Then she says, “If

    each of you gentlemen will give

    me $10.00, I’ll show you my

    thighs,” and men being what they

    are, they all pull out a ten dollar

    bill. The girl pulls up her dress all

    the way to her legs in full.

    The conversation continues, and

    the men, a bit excited, have all

    taken off their coats. Then the

    young girl says, “If you will give

    me $100, I will show you where I

    was operated on for

    appendicitis.” All three fork over

    the money. The girl then turned to

    the window and points outside at

    a building they’re passing.

    “See there in the distance. That’s

    the hospital where I had it done!”

     

     

    994324_617113121654222_1014026488_n.png

     

    In other words, LMFAO 😆

     

    https://www.facebook.com/AzzyHassebHaveDirtyMind

    #15679
    Cole Phelps
    Participant
    Bank Notes: $ 8,505
    Rank:

    What did an elephant say seeing a naked man ?

    -How can you eat with this ? 😆 😆 😆

    #15689
    taylor
    Participant
    Bank Notes: $ 1,225
    Rank:

    ROFL <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/biggrin.png" alt=":D” data-emoticon=”” srcset=”/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/biggrin@2x.png 2x” width=”20″ height=”20″>

    #15704
    Cole Phelps
    Participant
    Bank Notes: $ 8,505
    Rank:

    A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

    Officer: May I see your driver’s license?

    Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

    Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?

    Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.

    Officer: The car is stolen?

    Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

    Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?

    Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

    Officer: There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

    Driver: Yes, sir.

    Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

    Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

    Driver: Sure. Here it is. (It was valid).

    Captain: Who’s car is this?

    Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the owner’s card. (The driver owned the car).

    Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?

    Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

    Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it.

    Driver: No problem. (Trunk is opened; no body).

    Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

    Driver: Oh Yeah, I’ll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!!

     

     

    I knew a blonde that was so stupid that…….

     

    * she called me to get my phone number.

    * she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said “concentrate.”

    * she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

    *she tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.

    *she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

    *she tried to drown a fish.

    *she thought a quarterback was a refund.

    *she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

    *she tripped over a cordless phone.

    *she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

    *she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

    *she studied for a blood test.

    *she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

    *when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

    *when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

    *when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said “Airport Left” she turned around and went home

     

     

    Below could be answers to what your kid may ask you in future!

     

    Son (S) : Why is making love so enjoyable ?

    Father (F) : It is just like the sensation when you are digging your nose with your finger !!

     

    S : Why do women enjoy more than men ?

    F : It is because when you dig your nose, your nose feels more comfort than your finger.

     

    S: Why do women hate it when they get raped ?

    F: It is like when you are walking on the street, someone else come over and dig your nose, do you like it ??

     

    S: Why can a woman not have sex when she is in her periods?

    F: If your nose is bleeding, do you still dig it ??

     

    S: Why do men not like to wear condoms when they are making love ?

    F: Do you like to dig your nose with a glove on your finger.

     

    S: Why is making love carried out in private?

    F: Will you dig you nose in front of your class? Stupid!

     

    S: WAAO . . father you are GREAT.

     

     

    Q: Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice container for 15 minutes?

    A: It said “concentrate”.

     

     

    3 sisters got married & went for honeymoon. Mom asked them 2 send feedback sms.

     

    1st daughter’s sms: ‘NESCAFE’

    Mom checks out nescafe ad: It read ‘GOOD TO THE LAST DROP’.

    Mom smiles.

     

    2nd daughter’s sms: ‘BENSON & HEDGES’

    Mom checks out ad: It read ‘KING SIZE, EXTRA LONG’.

    Mom smiles again.

     

    3rd daughter’s sms: ‘BRITISH AIRWAYS’

    Mom checks out British Airways ad & faints down. It read:

    ‘3 TIMES DAILY, 7 DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS!!!

     

     

    Three guys are in a doctor’s office. One is a drunk, another’s a smoker and the third’s a gay guy. The doctor tells each of them that, if they induldge in their bad habit one more time, they will die.

    Outside they pass a bar. The drunk says, ââ¬ÅI don’t care if I die, I need a drink.ââ¬Â The drunk goes into the bar takes a drink and, sure enough, he drops dead.

    Meanwhile the smoker and the gay guy are walking along. Then the smoker spots a lit cigarette on the sidewalk. The gay guy looks over and says, ââ¬ÅIf you bend down to pick that up, we’re both dead.ââ¬Â

     

     

    A woman finds Aladdin’s magic

    lamp. She starts rubbing it and a

    Genie comes out as usual. The

    woman looks at the Genie and

    asks him to grant her wishes:

    – I want my husband to have eyes

    only for me

    – I want to be the only one in his

    life

    – I want him to sleep always by my

    side

    – I want that when he gets up in

    the morning I’m the first thing he

    grabs and takes me everywhere

    he goes.

    The Genie turned her into a Smart

    Phone….!!!

     

     

    A guy in plane stood up n shouted

     

    ââ¬ÅHIJACK !!! ââ¬Â

     

    All passengers got scared n raised

    Hands

    .

    .

    .

    .

    from other end Of the plane a guy

    shouted back

     

    ââ¬ÅHi JOHNââ¬Â !!!

     

     

    Lmao 😆

    #15715
    Cole Phelps
    Participant
    Bank Notes: $ 8,505
    Rank:

    -When does the PC work the loudest ?

    -At 2 AM, when everybody sleeps.

     

    😆 😆 😆

    #15716
    linukkis
    Participant
    Bank Notes: $ 1,735
    Rank:

    -When does the PC work the loudest ?

    -At 2 AM, when everybody sleeps.

     

    😆 😆 😆

     

    All you need is darkness, and all of a sudden poof, everything’s much louder <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/biggrin.png" alt=":D” data-emoticon=”” srcset=”/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/biggrin@2x.png 2x” width=”20″ height=”20″>

    #15721
    Cole Phelps
    Participant
    Bank Notes: $ 8,505
    Rank:

    -When does the PC work the loudest ?

    -At 2 AM, when everybody sleeps.

     

    😆 😆 😆

     

    All you need is darkness, and all of a sudden poof, everything’s much louder <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/biggrin.png" alt=":D” data-emoticon=”” srcset=”/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/biggrin@2x.png 2x” width=”20″ height=”20″>

     

    I’m sorry, but what is poof ?

    #15730
    spaghettino
    Participant
    Bank Notes: $ 575
    Rank:

    While browsing the web, i found a picture of two dogs, and wondered about how it will fit two well known characters 😎

    After a little while, i ended up with this :cheer:

     

    aw9r1i.jpg

    #15731
    linukkis
    Participant
    Bank Notes: $ 1,735
    Rank:
    I’m sorry’ date=’ but what is poof ?[/quote’]

     

    :silly: 😆 sorry, I meant a sudden effect of something like an explosion, a loud sound, you know

     

    Poof.gif

    #15732
    taylor
    Participant
    Bank Notes: $ 1,225
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    Did you know that if you scream “Bloody Marry” 3 times , in the mirror at 3 AM. your mom will tell you to shut up and go to bed

    #15737
    Cole Phelps
    Participant
    Bank Notes: $ 8,505
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    That was pretty, spag 😆

    #15774
    Cole Phelps
    Participant
    Bank Notes: $ 8,505
    Rank:

    A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

     

    “Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

     

    “Hi there,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push??” “No, get lost. It’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost??”

     

    “But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.

     

    “It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him.” So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push??” And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah, please.”

     

    So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?” And the stranger replies, “I’m over here, on your swing.”

     

    😆 😆 😆 😆

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