Reply To: Re: JOKES TOPIC
There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX – When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX – After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX – After you’ve been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say “FUCK YOU”
COURTROOM SEX – When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you’ve got.
Son:”Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!”
Father: “That’s great son. Who is she?”
Son: “It’s Sandra, the neighbor’s daughter”
father: “Ohhh I wish you hadn’t said that.
I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.
Sandra is actually your sister.
“The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later …
Son: “Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!”
Father: “That’s great son. Who is she?”
Son: “It’s Angela, the other neighbor’s daughter.”
Father: “Ohhhh I wish you hadn’t said that.Angela is also your sister.”
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,
he went straight to his mother crying.
Son:”Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can’t date any of them because dad is their father!”
The mother hugs him affectionately and says: “My love, you can date whoever you want. Dont listen to him He isn’t your father.”
A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.
The young man lowers his window . “Uh, yes, officer?” The cop says: “What are you doing?”
The young man says: “Well, Officer, I’m reading a magazine.” Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?” The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.”
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover’s lane….and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: “What’s your age, young man?”
The young man says, “I’m 22, sir.” The cop asks, “And her … what’s her age?”
The young man looks at his watch and replies: “She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”
Ultimate Insult…!!!
A woman & her son were riding
in a taxi.
All the prostitutes were standing
at a bus stop.
Boy: Mom, what are these women
doing here?
Mom: They are waiting for their
husband.
Taxi driver: Why don’t you tell him
the truth, that they are hookers &
have sex with men for money.
Boy: Is that true Mom?
Mom: (Glaring hard at the driver)
says, YES.
Kid asks: Mom, what happens to
the babies these women have?
ââ â
ââ â
ââ â
ââ â
ââ â
ââ â
ââ â
ââ â
ââ â
Mom: They become taxi
drivers…!!!
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. “You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don’t care where.”
“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant a Navy guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it would be worth it to you.”
“No problem,” the tired Marine assured him. “I’ll take it.” The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
“How’d you sleep?” asked the manager. “Never better,” replied the Marine. The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”
“Nope, I shut him up in no time,” said the Marine. “How did you manage that?” asked the manager.
“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”
A Boyfriend texts his Girlfriend
saying “Hey babe you wanna
come over and have sex?”
Girlfriend texts back “Duh!”
So the girl goes over her
Boyfriends house, and right
before they get into it, he sets the
boundaries. “Ok, so my little
brother is home, and I have bunk
beds. He’s on the bottom bunk. If
you want it harder, you say
tomato. If you want it faster, you
say lettuce, and if you want to
moan you say any other
ingredients that would be on a
sandwich.”
So they’re up on the top bunk
having sex, and she’s yelling
“Tomato! Tomato! Lettuce!
Lettuce! Cheese! Cheese!”
Well the little brother is still on the
bottom bunk and yells “Hey can
you guys knock it off, your getting
Mayonnaise all over me!!!”
A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.
As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, “You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here.”
The astonished Chinese man replied, “It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese”.
“Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same,” replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, “You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship.”
Shocked, Spielberg replies, “It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.”
The Chinese replies, “Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you’re all the same.”
In a train compartment, there are
3 men and a ravishing young girl.
The four passengers join in
conversation, which very soon
turns to the erotic. Then, the
young girl proposes, “If each of
you will give me $1.00, I will show
you my legs.” The men, charmed
by this young girl, all pull a buck
out of their wallet. And then the
girl pulls us her dress a bit to
show her legs. Then she says, “If
each of you gentlemen will give
me $10.00, I’ll show you my
thighs,” and men being what they
are, they all pull out a ten dollar
bill. The girl pulls up her dress all
the way to her legs in full.
The conversation continues, and
the men, a bit excited, have all
taken off their coats. Then the
young girl says, “If you will give
me $100, I will show you where I
was operated on for
appendicitis.” All three fork over
the money. The girl then turned to
the window and points outside at
a building they’re passing.
“See there in the distance. That’s
the hospital where I had it done!”
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In other words, LMFAO 😆
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