Reply To: Re: JOKES TOPIC
-What has a soldier to do in case of a nearby nuclear explosion ?
-He has to turn into fallout and kill the enemies.
-I’ve heard that your husband broke his leg. How was it possible ?
-Very silly. I have just been making some meat, so he went to the basement to bring some potatoes. As usual, he didn’t take his torch, he slipped on the stairs and fell down.
-Bad. And what did you do ?
-Pasta.
Black, Hindu and Jew were driving America in their car. In the middle of the night they had a car failure. They decided to repair it at a day time and they decided to look for a place to sleep. Luckily, there was a farm near them. Its host offered them a place for sleep:
-I have two beds in the living room only, so someone of you will have to sleep in the barn.
Jew:
-I can do it.
He went to the barn, black and Hindu have lied on their beds. After 15 mins, there’s knocking at the door. It’s Jew and says:
-There’s a pig in the barn. I can’t sleep here, religion forbids me.
Hindu:
-I was sleeping in the slums of Bombay. I can sleep there.
He did so. After 15 mins he is at the door and speaks to the Jew:
-You didn’t sat that there’s a cow also. I can’t sleep here.
Black:
-I’m from Harlem, for me sleeping with a pig and a cow it’s a luxury.
He went to the barn. In a little while, knocking at the door. Jew and Hindu go and open them. And they saw pig and a cow.
During the WWII, the Germans caught MacGyver, sent him to the camp and led him to the gas chamber. They closed the door, put a deadly dose of gas, they’re waiting, waiting, finally they open the door. McGyver leaves and says:
-You had a leaking gas, but I repaired it.
At the construction site:
-Chief, what time is it ?
-You know, I would like a drink, too…
Fall of meteorites is being observed by a son-in-law and mother-in-law. Son-in-law thought a dream. Mother-in-law didn’t make it…
Child is running in the library, loudly treadding he pretends to be a horse.
Library worker arrives and shouts:
-Calm down, these ppl can’t read!
-Can’t they ? So why are they here ?
On the bus stop there are two guys waiting for a bus. One of them gets a cigarette and starts smoking. Second one arrives and asks:
-Do you have a cigarette for me ?
-Here you are.
-And could you give me a fire ?
-I see that you have only your mouth to smoke.
In the pub there’s a guy and he talks to blonde sitting next to him:
-Eee, can I tell you a joke about a blonde ?
She replies:
-You can, but you should know, that I have 1,8 metres height, 70 kilos weight and I’m really strong. Next to me there’s another blonde – 1,9 metres height, 80 kilos weight and she does weightlifting. There’s also sitting a blonde, 2 metres high, she’s good at kick-boxing. You wanna still tell that joke ?
-No, no, no… I’m not going to explain it 3 times…
-Dad, buy me a bike!
-Bike… Son, f*ck the bike. Wait, you will be able to drive a motorbike, don’t you like a motorbike ?
-Sure, dad!
Next time conversation:
-Dad, buy me a motorbike!
-F*ck the motorbike, wait 1 year, we will buy a scooter, don’t you like scooter ?
-Superb, dad, sure I do!
Next time conversation:
-Dad, buy me a scooter.
-F*ck scooter, wait 2 years, you will get a motor! Motor! Don’t you like motor ?
-Yes! Yes! I want!
Next time conversation:
-Dad, what with my scooter ?
-Honestly, there’s no sense to buy a motor since you will be able to drive a car in 1 year time. Real car! Huh ?
-Sure, dad…
Next time conversation:
-Dad, buy me a car…
-Car ? Why the f*ck you need the car, since you even cen’t drive a bike…
In an United Europe, Euro deputy asks Mr Smith:
-Are you European ?
-No, I’m Polish!
-But you were born in European Union territory.
-When a hen was born in a barn, is she a pig ?
Burning rafinery. Plenty of entities of the fire brigade is looking at flames and explosions without any move. Suddenly, everyone’s eyes are focused on old fire brigade car from a nearby village. It rams the fence and finally slows down. Firemen get out and stop the fire.
Governor asks them:
-How could I pay you off for that action ?
The main fireman says:
-Hmmm, firstly it will be useful to repair the brakes…
-Open up, police!
-We didn’t order the police, but the wh*res!
-But it was neighbours who called us!
-Neighbours called, neighbours f*ck!
Drug-addict enters a hell and sees a field of marijuana. He picks everything up. Suddenly, he hears a devil:
-Here you have picked up.
He dries it.
Devil:
-Here you have dried.
He goes and makes blunts.
Devil:
-Here are the blunts.
He takes the biggest blunt and asks:
-Do you have fire ?
-If I had fire, there would be a paradise here!
One divorced man, happy that after 15 years he doesn’t have to pay the maintenance, he said to his daughter in her 18th birthday:
-My dear, take this cheque and give it to your mother. Tell her that it’s the last cheque she will get. And please tell me how did she react…
She took the cheque and went to her mother, and she got back after some time…
-And ? How did she react ?
-She wanted me to tell you, that you ain’t my father…