Reply To: Re: JOKES TOPIC

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

 

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: “I’m here to put you into a trance;

I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.”

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful

antique pocket watch from his coat. “I want you each to keep your eye on

this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family for

six generations”

 

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly

chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. . .”

 

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,

light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the

swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and

fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

 

“SH*T!” said the Hypnotist.

 

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

 

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The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

“Of course, my son,” said the priest.

“Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.”

“That’s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,” said the priest.

“It’s worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her s*xual favors,” continued the old man.

“Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk – you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,” said the priest.

“Thanks, Father,” said the old man. “That’s a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?”

“Of course, my son,” said the priest.

The old man asked, “Do I need to tell her that the war is over?”

 

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John is paying a visit to his Italian neighbor in the hospital, who just had a very serious traffic accident. He doesn’t look like very much: in plaster, completely wrapped in a bandage, tons of hoses and infusions. he looks like a mummy. John tries to have a conversation, but his neighbor has his eyes closed and isn’t responding. Suddenly his eyes jump wide open and he starts to gurgle and during his last gasp for air he says:

“Mi stai bloccando il d’tubicino ossigeno, Pezzo di merda ….”

John inscribes the words in his heart.

At the funeral John tells the black-clad widow that her husband had something to say.

‘And, she asks with tearful eyes,”was it that he loved me? “

“I do not know,” said the man, “but it sounded like Mi stai bloccando il d’tubicino ossigeno, pezzo di merda ….”

The widow screams and faints.

“What?” John ask startled to the daughter, “what did he say, what does that mean?” And the crying daughter says:

“You are standing on my oxygen hose, you shit.”

 

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i still have a lot of jokes and be sure i’ll post them ” data-emoticon=”” srcset=”/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/wink@2x.png 2x” width=”20″ height=”20″>