so why don't we have a joke topic?(or maybe we have and i didn't see it)
post here any good joke that you want to tell us (//wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/smile.png)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/smile@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
so..let me start:
man:excuse me ,do you know where is the bread factory?
another man:near the paper factory.
man:...and where is the paper factory?
another man:near the bread factory.
man:where are the bread and the paper factories?
another man:one near the other.
(i translated it from my language ..so hope you understand)
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
A husband and wife were trying to set up a new password to their computer.
A husband, "Put 'MYPENIS' " and the wife fell on the ground laughing cause on screen was error, "Error. Not long enough."
3 guys walk into a bar
The first guy says "I have got the smallest arm in? the world"
The second guy "I have the smallest head in the world"
The third guy "I have got the smallest d*ck in the world"
The 3 guys go to the Guinness World Records
The first guy comes back and says "I really do have? the smallest? arm in the world"
The second guy comes back and says "Amazing, I do have the smallest head in the world"
The third guy comes back angry " Who the F*CK is JUSTIN BEIBER?
(sorry for the beiber....just found them on the net)
good one(hope):
Five Important Qualities
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
A total naked woman rushed in a taxi. The taxi driver turned back and stared at her so keenly. The woman asked the taxi driver, "Why are you staring at me that way, haven't you ever seen a naked woman?" The taxi driver replied, "No, I just wonder where you have my money."
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Husband always insisted on making love in the dark.
After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator.
She goes balistic, "You impotent bas*ard! How could you lie to me all these years?"
Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....."
Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
Englishman, Scottish man and Irishman selling bibles door to door, they have a bet who will sell the most in a day. They meet up at end of day and Englishman has sold 2, Scottish man had sold 3, but the Irishman who had a terrible stutter says hhhee hhhee hhhad sssold ssssixty. The other two asked how did he do it.
He said, "Wwwhen Iiiii nnnnnnknock aaaat thththe ddddooor I said: Do you wwwwwant tto bbbuy a bbbbbible ooooorrr shshshould Iiii jjjust rrrread it tttto yyyyou?"
That's good with this bibles selling guys.
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
Two boys were talking and the one said to the other, "There is a easy way to get what you want."
The other boy said, "How?" the boy replied, "Tell people you know their secret."
The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, "I know your secret!" The dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10."
The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!" The mom said, "Please don't tell your dad here's $15."
The boy then decides to try it on the mail man, "I know your secret!" The mail man opened his arms and said, "Come, give your dad a hug!"
UNLUCKY YOUNG MAN
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that."
"Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
so ,again, everybody can post here!
Jokes told by my history teacher.
Reagan and Gorbatchov were running around the stadium. Reagan came first, Gorbatchov was second. And how the press described it ? Reagan was first from the beginning, and Gorbatchov was first from the end.
Another one
What Polish was doing in early morning in 80s ?
He was standing in the queue.
What American did in early morning in 80s ?
He called his bank to find out how much money he had.
And what Russian did in early morning in 80s ?
He stuck his medals from his pyjama to his uniform.
And the last one - found by me
Dad with his son went for a walk to the forest. Suddenly, his son saw a hedgehog in a grass. He asked dad if he can take it home. Dad agreed and he took animal home. During winter, he was feeding a hedgehog and giving him sth to drink. And when the spring came, a horn grew on its forehead and he flew away through opened window. Now it was clear that son brought from the forest not a hedgehog, but the hell knows what :lol:
Leaving Montreal for Quebec, My daughter decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go in the washroom. The first stall was taken so I went in the second stall. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall...
- "Hi there, how is it going?"
Okay, I am not the type to strike conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say so finally I say:
- "Not bad..."
Then the voice says:
- "So, what are you doing?"
I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say:
- "Well, I'm going back to Quebec..."
Then I hear the person say all frustered:
- "Look I'll call you back, every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me."
nice one crazypreacher <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/wink.png" alt="(//wink.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/wink@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
nice jokes cole and crazypreacher <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/wink.png" alt="(//wink.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/wink@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
Desert in Africa. Four black guys are carrying white in a horrible heat. Suddenly, one of them (black) falls. White says:
-Damn, again that flat tyre!
Supermarket. A women with a little child, who is screaming horribly, enters one of the shops. This child wants sth to drink. Women says:
-Be quiet, people are staring at us.
Child is screaming a bit more. Woman says again:
-I've said - be quiet!
Child is screaming horribly. Some guy arrives and asks:
-Your child is thirsty, isn't it ?
-Yes, it does.
-So buy a watermelon; kid will eat sth and won't be thirsty.
Woman says:
-You know what ? Fuck your dick with your feet, so you'll fuck and dance!
Teacher asks young John:
-Clean the blackboard, will you ?
-No way!
-Clean it now!
-All right. Where's the rug ?
-Look somewhere in the cupboard.
In the meantime, teacher says to the class:
-My lovely kids, what would you write on my grave, if I'll die ?
John found the rug and says:
-Ah, here's that rug hidden!
-This doctor is incredible! In a few seconds he healed my wife from all her health troubles.
-But how ?
-He said that these are the symptoms of incoming old age...
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/smile.png" alt="(//smile.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/smile@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage
certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date." <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/smile.png" alt="(//smile.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/smile@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
some 'yo mama jokes'
yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="(//tongue.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20"> inch:
Yo mama so old that when she was in school, there was no history class.
Yo mama so poor burglars break in her house and leave money.
Yo momma so ugly just after she was born, her mother said, "What a treasure!" and her father said, "Yea, let's go bury it!"
Yo momma so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck.
Yo momma so fat she's on both side of the family.
(//img69.imageshack.us/img69/6678/7d177604aedb41488782cfc.jpg&key=b43389c5cbcc0fcd7a000efc9aa2e1cbf00606e0814c01f371b717e26c9d12a4)
You want your mum jokes ? So here they're!
[spoiler:293j31f5]Your mum is ironing a lawn with a kettle.
Your mum is driving through a forest using a lift.
Your mum is cutting bread with her elbow.
Your mum is bitting her own teeth.
Watch out, the best -> Your mum has a stall on Allegro.
Your mum is so fat, that when she falls from bed, she does it from both sides of the bed.
Your mum is clapping with her forehead.
Your mum is so fat, that when she was going to school, she was sitting next to everyone.
Your mum is a priest.
Your mum has no eyebrows.
Your mum is buying Skype.
Your mum is a pope.
Your mum is eating a soup using a fan.
Your mum is sleeping on the wall.
Your mum is driving a tank inside a barn.
Your mum is cutting her nails using a glass.
Your mum is carrying electricity in a bucket.
Your mum is given the presents on father's day.
Your mum is shining in the darkness.
Your mum is barking on the trains.
Your mum is chasing her own tail.
Your mum is so fat, that when she goes to the cinema, she gets a group discount.
Your mum is so stupid, that he goes to the cinema with her remote control.
Your mum is eating rice without boiling.
Your mum is stealing candles from the cemeteries.
Your mum is dividing numbers through zero.
Your mum went through Need For Speed on foot.
Your mum is sitting on the doormat and scratching the doors.
Your mum is a gate on funerals.
Your mum is playing piano a capella; (it's without music).
Your mum is replying spam.
Your mum is laundering clothes in Styx.
Your mum is from Tartar.
Your mum is drinking water from an ironing machine.
Your mum burned Rome.
Your mum is pouring water into an acid.
Your mum crossed Rubikon.
Your mum is ironing before doing the laundering.
Your mum passed her driving licence test on dinosaurs.
Your mum is putting ads on Mendeleyev's Table.
Your mum watches porn videos till the end, 'cause she thinks that they will end up with the wedding.
Your mum is so big, so when she sees The Eiffel Tower, she thinks that it's a toothpick.[/spoiler:293j31f5]
On a discoteque guy from Russia danced with Turkish's girlfriend. It wasn't so long, when Turkish came and stood in front of him; he was very strong and said:
-Hey, you wanna be hit ?
-This is your first problem - Russian said - being so aggressive. You are looking for fight everywhere, even if there's no reason for that.
Discoteque ended, Russian is coming out and in front of the discoteque there's bunch of guys from Turkey:
-Now you're finished - they said.
-This is your second problem - Russian said - you can't solve the business without calling your group.
-You'll pay off now! - shouted them - and they showed him their knives.
And now pointa:
-And that's your third problem - said Russian - you always come to a shooting with your knives...
What woman says after having a bath and leaving a bathroom ?
-Hey, honey, how do you like my new look ?
And what man says having a bath and leaving a bathroom ?
-Oh, honey, you'd better not to go there...
Some famous sentences (to be taken with humour)
'The only reason why God created a man is because he was disappointed with the monkey.'
[align=right:1ij4indo]Mark Twain, American novelist (1835-1910)[/align:1ij4indo]
'Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive.'
[align=right:1ij4indo]Elbert Hubbard, American writer (1856-1915)[/align:1ij4indo]
'Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance ?'
[align=right:1ij4indo]Edgar Bergen, American comedian (1903-1978)[/align:1ij4indo]
'We used to build civilizations. Now we build shopping malls.'
[align=right:1ij4indo]Bill Bryson, American writer (1951-)[/align:1ij4indo]
'Travel is educational; it teaches you how to get rid of money in a hurry.'
[align=right:1ij4indo]S. Barry Lipkin, American songwriter (1942-)[/align:1ij4indo]
'When a dog bites a man that is not news, but when a man bites a dog that is news.'
[align=right:1ij4indo]Charles Anderson Dana, American journalist (1819-1897)[/align:1ij4indo]
'In Scotland, there is no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.'
[align=right:1ij4indo]Billy Connelly[/align:1ij4indo]
I like the second one <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="(//tongue.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
Here comes new portion of jokes <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/smile.png" alt="(//smile.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/smile@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
Recruit went to a draft board. After examining, sexologist invited him for conversation. He drew a circle and asked:
-What is it ?
-Naked woman...
He drew a square:
-And this ?
-He, he, that's a naked woman...
Finally, he drew a triangle.
-And what about this ? Look properly.
-Naked woman, too...
-Sir, you're perverted...
-Me ? But who drew these naked women ?
Situated in the shop. There's a six year old boy and his father standing in the queue. In front of them there's very fat woman standing - weighting at least 150 kilos. Son says to his father:
-Dad, look at this woman - she's so faaaat...
Dad went red, he felt silly and said:
-My son, you can't say about people like this.
-But she's so faaat... I've never seen such a fat woman.
-That's good, but it's not kind to say about people like this.
At this moment her mobile phone rings pi, pi, pi...
And son says, frightened:
-Dad, watch out! She's gonna reverse!
-Dad, in TV they said that alcohol's prices will be risen. Does this mean that you will drink less ?
-No, that means, that you will eat less...
Enjoy <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/smile.png" alt="(//smile.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/smile@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
I see you like my jokes :cheer: That motivated me to post more of them.
Long time ago there was some town. And in this town there was very scary dragon. Citizens couldn't stand it, so they asked for help one of the three knights, hanging around the town.
-Our Great Knight - they say - help us, dragon is raping virgins, killing men, eating kids and women.
Great Knight said:
-Give me one month so that I'll be able to make a plan.
Citizens said:
-What ? After one month, it will kill us all!
And they went to the second knight.
-Average Knight, help us... etc.
He said they must give him two months to make a plan, so they went to the third knight.
-Little Knight, help us... etc.
Little Knight got his sword, put his armor on, got his horse ready and he was about to leave. So the citizens asked him:
-How does it go ? Our beloved Little Knight, Great Knight wanted to think one month, Average Knight two months and you're ready to fight immediately ?
Little Knight says:
-There's nothing to think about, it's good to get the hell out of there!
Santa Claus came to Ethiopia and he talked to children:
-Why are you so thin ?
-Cause we haven't been eating anything since one month.
-What ? If you haven't been eating, you won't get your gifts.
Zorro goes to his lady, riding his horse and orders him:
-You'll wait here, cause when her husband arrives, I will jump from the window and we'll run away.
He's at her apartment, they have fun and, suddenly, there's horrible knocking at the door. Zorro jumped out, lady opened the door and he saw horse, who said:
-Tell Zorro, that I'm waiting here, cause there's big rain outside...
Behind seven mountains, seven rivers and seven forests there was a queen living there and she was speaking like this:
-Shit, I have a very long way everywhere!
Next ones are coming <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/smile.png" alt="(//smile.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/smile@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
Little Red Riding Hood is driving her bicycle thorugh the forest, when suddenly a wolf attacks her, breaks the bicycle and escapes. She starts crying. Here comes a bear and asks what happened. After she told him, bear chases a wolf and wants him to weld the bicycle.
The same thing repeats through the following weeks, but, finally, she luckily arrives to her grandmother's home. But still there's sth wrong...
She asks her grandmother:
-My grandmother, why are your ears so big ?
-To hear you better, honey.
-And why is your nose so big ?
-To feel you better, honey.
-But, why the hell are your eyes so red ?
-From welding, shit, from welding!
Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest and she's not able to find a wolf. She went to its hole and she started screaming, that the kids are waiting for the fairytale and so on, and so on...
Finally, the wolf speaks to her, with its sleepy voice:
-Ah, leave me alone! All night I was dancing with Kevin Costner.
Speedy Gonzalez is playing with a woman (woman, who has a husband) at her home, when, suddenly, there's some knocking at the door. Gonzalez gets out of the bed immediately and escapes through the window and an unfaithful wife comes to the door.
-Who's that ?
-It's me, Speedy Gonzalez - behind the door this voice can be heard. - I forgot my socks.
Second World War. Two guys (named Joe and Leo, for example) are escaping from the Germans. They hid in the barn, where they found cow's skin and they decided to dress up as a cow. Joe stood at the front, Leo - at the back. The Germans arrive to the barn, they see the cow and they think they need food for an army. One of them says:
-This cow is thin, isn't it ?
-Yes! It must be fed - the second one says.
They decided to bring a sack of wheat. Joe says to Leo:
-Leo, they bring the sack of wheat!
-Eat, Joe, eat, 'cause we're lost!
So Joe ate it.
The Germans carry another sack of wheat.
-Leo, they bring another sack of wheat!
-Eat, Joe, eat, 'cause we're lost!
So Joe ate it.
The Germans carry a bucket of water.
-Leo, they bring a bucket filled with water!
-Drink, Joe, drink, 'cause we're lost!
Joe looks at the Germans and, suddenly, he starts laughing.
Leo asks:
-Why are you laughing ?
Joe says:
-Hang on tight, Leo, hang on tight, 'cause they are coming with a bull!
A wife had an argument with her husband and they didn't say anything to each other. They only were writing letters with the orders, e.g. "take out the rubbish", "iron the clothes" etc. One time, husband prepares a letter for his wife: "Wake me up at 5. AM, 'cause I have to get up early".
He wakes up, takes a look on his watch - 9. AM. Then he takes a look at his cupboard and sees a letter: "Get up, pal, it's 5. AM".
:cheer:
Office. There are two friends talking to each other:
-Hey, what are you cutting from this newspaper ?
-Article about that husband killed his wife, because she was still searching his pockets...
-And what will you do with this ?
-I'll hide it in my pocket!
Wife says to his husband:
-Honey, tomorrow it's our wedding anniversary ? How will we celebrate it ?
Husband after a while:
-Maybe minute of silence ?
Man and a woman have lived with each other since 50 years. When the wife was asked, how is it possible, she said:
-Through all my life I've been thinking that arguing is not good for marriage. In case of an argument, it's needed to leave home and go for a long walk.
-And where is your husband ?
-Like everyday - in the morning he went for a walk...
Two female neighbours are talking to each other:
-Why have you mounted a rear mirror near to the TV set ?
-It's very comfortable. In this way, I can look at my husband when he's washing the dishes!
-I'm very nervous. There's a big rain outside and my wife is not at home...
-Don't worry, she will hide in some shopping mall...
-That's what I'm afraid of...
I never take my husband for a fashion show - woman says to her friend. - That's very troublesome for both of us: when I'm thinking about new dress, he's thinking about new wife...
At the train platform there are husband and wife standing. He looks at the leaving train and speaks to his wife:
-If you were ready, we wouldn't miss that train.
-And if you weren't hurrying me, we wouldn't have to wait for the next train for a long time...
-Mum, today at my maths lesson teacher praised me!
-That's good, but what did he say ?
-He said that we're all idiots and I'm the bigger one!
Dad bought a train model for his son John for his birthday. He left him in his room in order to let him enjoy his gift. In the meantime, dad was in other room. After a while, he hears that from his son's room can be heard:
-Get in, damn, get in!
Dad runs to his room and tells him that he can't play with his gift for an hour. He gets out of the room. 15 minutes - silence... 30 minutes - still silence in his room... 40 minutes - silence, dad is happy; his son is obedient... 50 minutes - silence...
One hour gone. Then from his room can be heard:
-Get in, damn, get in! 'Cause this bastard caused one hour delay!
Christmas are coming, but in John's family there isn't much money. He writes a letter to Santa Claus.
"Dear Santa Claus, I'm very poor, but I'd like to get Lego, ball and a train model."
Women, who were working in the post office don't know what to do, 'cause he didn't write his address. They open a letter and they feel so moved, so they decide to but these things. Since the post office workers don't earn so much, it was enough to buy Lego and a ball only. They send it to John. After some time, a letter from John comes - and women in the post office open it and read:
"Dear Santa Claus, thank you for these wonderful gifts, but this train model was taken away by these mean women from the post office!"
Two retired doctors are sitting on the bench in a park and they are remembering old times. Suddenly, they see a guy, who's approaching them. He has his knees bent and joined, arms stuck to the body, hands clasped and pulled out to the front.
-Do you think you could diagnose him ? - one of the men asks - I bet 100
$ that he had an outflow.
-I bet 200
$ that he has an arthritis. Should we ask him ? - the second one says.
Before they make it, he approached himself and asked:
-Excuse me, is there any toilet around here ?
Well, that's the end of my jokes. Sadly, I won't have so much time to write in this thread. Maybe I'll post sth at other time. See you then <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/smile.png" alt="(//smile.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/smile@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
Wife says to her husband:
-Throw out the rubbish, honey.
-I've just sit down. - he said.
-And what have you been doing before ?
-I was lying...
Situated at a soldiers camp
Soldiers are in the canteen and they are arguing, what do they have in their cups: tea or coffee ? Then, a cook steps out from the kitchen and asks:
-Who wants an additional portion of cocoa ?
:cool: :cool:
Dad went with his son to the swimming pool and after swimming they're having shower. Suddenly, his son slipped and he almost fell, but caught his father's prick and he kept his balance. Dad said:
-You see, if you have come with your mother, you would fall.
Ahmed at check-in on Heathrow
Customs officer: Name?
Ahmed: Ahmed Abdullah Chomteninih
Cusotms officer: Sex?
Ahmed: Three times a week.
Sustoms officer: No, no. Like male or female ...
Ahmed: Male, female ... sometimes camel.
Do yall know what a blonde dose after she's done combing her hair?
She pulls up her pants...
What a joke, cogkicker lol <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="(//tongue.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
9 AM. Knocking at the door.
A lady opens the door and a guys asks:
-Excuse me, do you have a pussy ?
-You dumb - and she pushed the door.
Next day. The same situation.
After 3rd day she has enough and she tells about it to her husband.
-Don't mind it, tomorrow I have a day off, so we will take care of that.
Next day - 9 AM., knocking at the door.
A husband hides behind the door, his wife opens the door - the same guy here:
-Excuse me, do you have a pussy ?
Woman looks at her husband - he's nodding:
-I have - answers the woman.
-So have a sex with your husband and stay the fuck away from my wife - OK ?
There's the guy coming to the bar, he wants two glasses of vodka, drinks it... and the bertender says:
-I see that you're not fine. Tell me what happened, so you will feel better.
-No, it doesn't matter.
-Come on, tell me, you will feel better.
After a while, he starts talking:
-You know, I have met fucking awesome girl, everything is alright, we came to her home, we started having a sex and then her husband returned 'cause he forgot his laptop. She ordered me to hide on the balcony, so I went there and started hanging like this idiot.
-Ooo, you must have been pissed.
-No, that didn't piss me. After a while, she started having a sex with him.
-Ooo, you must have been hardly pissed.
-No, that doesn't piss me! After a while, through the window flies an old condom and lands on my head.
-Ooo, you must have been hardly pissed.
-No, that didn't piss me. After a while, her husband goes to the balcony and takes a leak straight on my head.
-Oh shit, you must have been hardly hardly pissed.
-No, that didn't piss me.
Barman is confused.
-So what pissed you ?
-You know what pissed me ? The fact, that after all I looked down and I found out that I have one meter to the ground.
Do you know the difference between a blonde & a mosquito?
When you swipe a mosquito, it stops sucking.
Last night i had my grand son with me, he's 8 and he tell me that joke, but he told me to use my imagination to picture the story.
On the small Creek Trail, suddenly an accident, two turtles that were rolling at full speed are collided.
Officer Jack Rabbit was send to the scene to enquire. Jack was looking to find out what happend he saw a snail shaking on a leave
He approach the snail and ask him did you see what happend
The snail to respond NO damn it happend so fast.... <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="(//tongue.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20"><img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="(//tongue.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20"><img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="(//tongue.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20"><img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="(//tongue.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20"><img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="(//tongue.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20"> :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
[align=center:2unt107p]Not a joke a reality[/align:2unt107p]
[align=center:2unt107p]Life is a sexually transmitted disease which we never get out alive
[/align:2unt107p]
Do yall know what a bull dog and a shih-tzu make?
A bull-shit
hope you'll like them <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/wink.png" alt="(//wink.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/wink@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20"> :
Once chuck norris and time had race.
Result: The time is still running.
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you?You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Wife: Why do you go out in the balcony, when I start singing.
Husband: Because the people would think I am beating you.
Quotehope you'll like them <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/wink.png" alt="(//wink.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/wink@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20"> :
Once chuck norris and time had race.
Result: The time is still running.
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you?You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Wife: Why do you go out in the balcony, when I start singing.
Husband: Because the people would think I am beating you.
HAHA nice ones!
I lol'd so much at the last one :lol: Thanks <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/biggrin.png" alt="(//bigsmile.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/biggrin@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
new jokes :cheer: :
How many lawyers dose it take to change a light bulb?
3, 1 to climb the ladder, 1 to shake it, and 1 to sue the ladder company
A man had a party where all the rich people attend.
And the he had a pool with alligators. So he announced that anyone who will swim across this pool and come out alive will be granted three wishes.
But no one wanted to go for the challenge. All of a sudden, there was a big splash and a man was swimming like a hell and came out alive.
So the host asked, "What are your three wishes?"
The man replied, "Give me the shotgun and bulllets and show me the idiot that pushed me in ...."
1st man: It is sickening the way my wife keps talking about her ex husband..
2nd man: Than's nothing, mine keps talking about her next husband.
<img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/smile.png" alt="(//smile.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/smile@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20"> :cheer: :cheer: :lol:
Haha nice ones thewildnath
QuoteHaha nice ones thewildnath
thanks here's another :
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
HAHA
QuoteHAHA
ok...one more and then i go to sleep :
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well .........?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38" DD bust, 24" waist and 34" hips.
When she walks into a room, everybody says, "Oh My God."
i found a good one and i am afraid i will forgot it but now i realy go : <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/smile.png" alt="(//smile.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/smile@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. ÃâàAfter a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. âââ¬ÃâWatson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.âââ¬
:cheer: :lol: :woohoo:
another good jokes:
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300̡̉C.
The Russians used a pencil. :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo:
A doctor says to his patient, âââ¬ÃâI have bad news and worse newsâââ¬
please read the last 2 posts because i think there are the best jokes here <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/smile.png" alt="(//smile.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/smile@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
ok ,new jokes:
A hundred prostitutes in Washington D.C. were
asked if they would ever sleep with President
Clinton. 60% said, 'Never again!'
Teacher: What makes you see?
Bobyjack: My eyes, my nose and my ears.
Teacher: True for the eyes but why for your ears and nose?
Bobyjack: It's to hold my glasses!!!
Teacher:Children nothing is impossible!
A Student:Sir,then take out the tooth paste from the tube and put it back!!!
yo mama :( hope you like them if not just tell me)
Yo Mamas so stupid she was yelling into the mailbox. We ask her whats she doing and she said, she was sending a voice-mail.
Yo mama is so fat that when she died jesus couldn't lift her soul to heaven.
Yo mama so stupid she stole a free sample.
my idea(not really...):Yo Mama is so slow when she was driving she got a parking ticket.
does anyone read this?....
ok i know that you are reading but just give me a sign.... :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
Haha, You post the best ones <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="(//tongue.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
QuoteHaha' date=' You post the best ones <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="(//tongue.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20"> [/quote']
more jokes :
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
A man didn't come home 1 night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friends house. The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had slept over and 2 said he was still there.
Five Important Qualities
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
!!!!!i posted this before but maybe you hadn't see it!!!!!
another one a little modified by me :
Two Tennessee Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes."
Jim Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Bubba says. "What's that?" The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed-eater?" "Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a weed-eater, I think that you would have a yard." "That's true, I do have a yard." "I'm not done, the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house." "Yes, I do have a house." "And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family." "I have a family." "I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife." "Yes, I do have a wife." "And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual." "I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed-eater." Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Jim Bob at the bar.
He tells Jim Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Jim Bob says, "What's that?" Bubba says, "I'll show you.
Do you have a weed-eater?"
"No."
"Then you're a queer."(homosexual)
LOL I laughed at all of those, but the last one the most <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/biggrin.png" alt="(//bigsmile.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/biggrin@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
QuoteLOL I laughed at all of those' date=' but the last one the most <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/biggrin.png" alt="(//bigsmile.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/biggrin@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20"> [/quote']
me too <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="(//tongue.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
new jokes:
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.
"Let me show you," says the captain.
He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it.
"This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."
The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns.
"Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"
"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."
"Why not Thursday?"
"That's your day in the barrel."
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
A guy walking down the street sees a woman with huge breasts and offers her ̣̉100 if she lets him bite them.
âââ¬ÃâNo, are you crazy?âââ¬
new jokes friends :
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values.
At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison.
Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, ".....but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you?"
He said, "...Scr*w him .........give him a dollar."
The blonde then blushed and said, "....But the breakfast was my idea."
A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game. After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It is city in Africa.
The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:
"I was a father all my life,
I had no children, had no wife,
I read the bible through and through
on my way to Timbuktu ... "
The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory. But then comes the shepherd, with his winning masterpiece:
"When Tim and I to Brisbane went
We met three women cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ... "
warning d*rty joke :
[spoiler:3sg5nplv]A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."[/spoiler:3sg5nplv]
P.S.:if you haven't read the last pages of this topic you should because i think there are the best jokes especialy the NASA-rusia joke
P.P.S:i ask again....just give me a sign that you read this so i should now if i need to post more or not <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="(//tongue.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20"> :cheer: :cheer:
nice guys,
I just hope I would be able too to write some jokes in english,
but well thinking about it, in some ways anything I write in english is a joke :lol:
Quotenice guys,
I just hope I would be able too to write some jokes in english,
but well thinking about it, in some ways anything I write in english is a joke :lol:
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Haha very good ones Nath
Awesome, please post more if you can :cheer:
QuoteAwesome' date=' please post more if you can :cheer:[/quote']
be sure i'll post but i can't right now... <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/sad.png" alt="(//frown.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/sad@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
new jokes :
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "I don't think you can keep your head down that long."
hope you understand the jokes above they are funny
Scientists invented a machine to catch thieves.
In 30 minutes in Canada the machine caught 10 thieves, in 15 minutes in the U.S the machine caught 5 thieves, in 3 minutes in Trinidad thieves stole the machine.
A group of 40 year old buddies discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.
LOL very good ones nath
You are a true humorist, Nath :lol: I always look forward to reading jokes you post here :cheer:
QuoteYou are a true humorist' date=' Nath :lol: I always look forward to reading jokes you post here :cheer:[/quote']
Hehe same!
QuoteYou are a true humorist' date=' Nath :lol: I always look forward to reading jokes you post here :cheer:[/quote']
thanks a lot friend and you can tell me Nathan
you motivated me to post new jokes:
warning d*rty joke
<div class="ipsSpoiler" data-ipsspoiler="">
<div class="ipsSpoiler_header">
A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on a donkey. He is not hungry or thirsty, because he has a bottomless bowl of fruit. He wanders for about a week and eventually gets pretty horny. He gets to the point where he can't stand it anymore.
So he decides to try and have s*x with the donkey.
He drops his pants and positions himself under the donkey. But, to his dismay, the donkey walks away.
Only slightly discouraged, the man decides to try again. He walks to where the donkey is standing, positions himself under the donkey, and right before he goes for it, the donkey walks away again. Now the man is getting frustrated.
As he prepares for his third and final try, he sees a vision. A beautiful, naked woman appears out of nowhere. She approaches the stunned man, who until recently, believed that he was the only person for hundreds of miles.
She smiles at him and says, "I would do anything for that bowl of fruit you have."
"Anything?" he says, getting fairly excited.
"Yes, anything." she replies.
So he says, "Will you hold the donkey?"
</div>
Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage
certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."
A blond and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blond jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.
The blond finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking,
What have you been doing?"
The blond says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!
A man in a pub asks for a beer.
The barman says, "Sure, that'll be one dollar."
"One dollar?" exclaims the man. Reading the menu, he says, "Could I have steak and chips?"
"Certainly," says the barman, "that'll be two dollars."
"Two dollars?" cries the man. "You're joking. Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman says, "Upstairs, with my wife"."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The barman says, "The same thing I'm doing to his business."
another joke i think i posted before but maybe you haven't read it
d*rty joke
<div class="ipsSpoiler_header">
Husband always insisted on making love in the dark.
After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator.
She goes balistic, "You impotent bas*ard! How could you lie to me all these years?"
Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....."
</div>
hope you like them
</div>
thank you both for the comments
HAHA those were very funny
"You can modify only one person's karma every six hours.
Please wait until this timeout period has passed before modifying any person's karma again."
i would have returned the favor for both of you... <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/sad.png" alt="(//frown.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/sad@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
Its to stop karma boosting, just do it tomorrow or something <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/smile.png" alt="(//smile.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/smile@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
But theres no need to
i know...but anyway i want to
hope i won't forget <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/smile.png" alt="(//smile.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/smile@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20"> :cool:
Fair enough <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/biggrin.png" alt="(//bigsmile.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/biggrin@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
new jokes guys:
some kids jokes(if you know some kids or something...)
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
What is a bunny's favorite music?
Hip-hop.
Kid threw the butter out the window, he wanted to see a butterfly.
now,the real deal(not really...)
Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.
Teacher: You missed school yesterday didn't you?
Pupil: Not very much!
Teacher: Could you please pay a little attention?
Student: I'm paying as little attention as I can.
Heading off to college at the age of 40, I was a bit self-conscious about my advancing years. One morning I complained to my husband that I was the oldest student in my class. "Even the teacher is younger than I am," I said. "Yeah," he said optimistically, "but look at it from my point of view. I thought my days of fooling around with college girls were over!"
This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.
The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."
The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.
Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.
The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"
The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."
The priest said, "And that's when you swore."
The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."
The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"
The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."
The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"
The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."
The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the f...ing putt!!!"
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years.
After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says.
They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says.
"That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."
QuoteThis man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.
The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."
The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.
Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.
The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"
The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."
The priest said, "And that's when you swore."
The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."
The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"
The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."
The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"
The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."
The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the f...ing putt!!!"
This one is the best, thanks Nathan <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/wink.png" alt="(//wink.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/wink@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
i know :lol:
Haha
Programming fairy tale
void fairy-tale() {
if (prince.strong >= dragon.strong) {
dragon.delete();
... prince += princess + kingdom/2;
} else {
prince -= head;
dragon.weight += princess.weight;
King.status = "Sad";
Kingdom.goto("FuckUp");
}
}
[C]
Woman needs 4 animals: fox in the wardrobe, jaguar in the garage, tiger in the bedroom and a donkey who will pay for that.
Scientists have invented the machine, which makes a 'bzzz' beep when someone lies.
There are three women coming: blonde, brunette and red.
Brunette enters a facility when the device is and says:
-I think that I'm beautiful - BZZZZZZZ!!!!!
Red enters:
-I think that I'm wise - BZZZZZZ!!!!
Blonde enters:
-I'm thinking... - BZZZZ!!!!
Woman is driving a motorbike through the city. Suddenly, policeman arrives and blocks her way.
He says:
-Why have you put a cap instead a helmet on ?
-Because I did a test - I threw a helmet from 20th floor and it crashed, and then cap, but it was unharmed.
some insulting jokes you may(or may not <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="(//tongue.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20"> )use:
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!
How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
i think i posted this before but...:Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.
ok,now some real stuff <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/smile.png" alt="(//smile.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/smile@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
::::::::::::::::::::::::::
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval
ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October
1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations
10-10-95.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a
collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to
avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST
SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY
THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND
THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE
FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE
SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call!
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00
He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Man visits India and meets an old man in the town square who is renowned for his elephantine memory.
He asks the old man what he had for breakfast on the same day 15 years back. "Eggs," replies the old man, the man scoffs at this saying everyone has eggs for breakfast and walks away.
Ten years later he returns to India and sees the same old man on the same spot, goes to him and asks, "How?"
The old man takes one look at his face and replies, "Scrambled."
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"
BONUS: longest joke in the world http://longestjokeintheworld.com/ (http://longestjokeintheworld.com/)
Oh right.You may have heard this <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="(//tongue.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
Hitler made a control of the army in the barracks.During the control somebody sneezed.
-who did it?!asks Hitler
Soldiers are silent.Than Hitler ordered to wipe out the first row.
-who did it?!asks again
Soldiers are silent again.Hitler ordered to wipe out the second row.
-im asking for the last time,who did it?!
From the last row a soldier slowly raised hes hand.
Cheers!said Hitler.
thewildnath I already know this with handjob & cheeseburger <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="(//tongue.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
<hr class="bbcode_rule" />
Polish, German and English meet the devil.
Devil says:
-Jump to that lake and it will become a thing that you will scream during the jump.
Polish jumps and screams: Vodka! Drinks it & dies.
German screams: Frisch Bier! Drinks & dies.
English runs, runs, suddenly he falls and screams: Oh shit!
A woman is waiting for a lift and watching behind his back, he sees a man with his face covered.
She gets in the lift immediately and this man behind her.
Man says to her:
-Down on your knees and do the BJ!
-No, please, no!
He replied, so she did what she had to do.
Suddenly, he uncovers his face and it turns out that it's her husband and says:
-And what the hell, is it possible somehow ?
On the desert island there was a man, dog and pig.
They lived together for one year time.
A man finally decided to couple with a pig.
But everytime he coupled with a pig, dog bites his ass.
It didn't help out that he wanted to convince a dog that it's better with a pig than with a dog.
But some night, he heard woman's scream.
He ran to the beach and he saved quite good woman.
She says:
-Because you saved me, I will do everything for you.
-Ok, take that dog for a walk.
nice ones Cole <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/wink.png" alt="(//wink.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/wink@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
- How do two programmers make money?
- One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students:
"The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $60. A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"
((this joke reminds me of the game Bully)))
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
A guy dies and is sent to hell. Extremely frightened because of that, he is very surprised when he arrives; beach, palm trees, sun is shining, happy people around in shorts and bikinis. Behind the next corner there are people eating great food and there's some cool music playing.
After some time of wondering, a man in an expensive suit approaches him and says: "Hi, you must be the new one. Welcome to hell, I'm the devil. As you're gonna spend eternity here, make yourself comfortable and have a drink. If anything bothers you, always feel free to ask me."
The guy still doesn't really understand what's going on, this is not what he expected. But finally he decides to inspect the area. Everywhere he goes, there are people laughing and having a great time, there's games, party and fun all around. Then he arrives at a steep cliff that divides the paradise hell from an area underneath, and there is hell as we know it: demons torturing the doomed, there's fire and the smell of brimstone.
Shocked, he runs to the devil and says "Devil, how can that be? Here, we have the sweet eternity and down there people are tortured and burned! How can that be?!"
The devil laughs and says "Oh, that. That's the Catholics - they want it that way."
Man on the desert island pulls a girl out of the water, who swimmed to the shore by holding a barrel.
-You live here long, don't you ?
-For 15 years.
-Alone ?
-Yes.
-Now you will have this, which you missed the most - she said.
-You ain't serious! Is there a beer in that barrel ?
There's a block of flats burning. People are on the roof. A hero was down there and he screams: "Jump!". First person jumped. Hero caught her and set on the ground. Second one did the same. He caught her and set on the ground. Third one is a black man. Hero didn't catch him and he hit the ground. At the end, hero said:
-Don't through the burnt ones!
Rich man is driving a limousine. He sees a poor guy eating the grass. He asks him:
-Why do you eat grass ?
-Ahhh, I'm hungry and I don't have money to buy food.
-So get in, I'll take you to my house.
Poor guy thought about his family and asks:
-Can I take kids with me ?
-Let them get in.
-And wife ?
-OK, but quick.
-Parents ?
-Hey, I don't have such a big lawn...
<img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/wink.png" alt="(//wink.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/wink@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20"><img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="(//tongue.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
sorry for the long pause.....but now i have some new "fresh" jokes <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/wink.png" alt="(//wink.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/wink@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, "I bet you three hundred dollars that I can piss into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a single drop."
The bartender said, "There is no way you can do that. Sure, I'll bet you three hundred dollars."
The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pissing. He starts pissing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup.
The bartender starts smiling and laughing and says, "That's it, you owe me three hundred dollars."
The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there. He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money.
The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet."
The man said, "I'm laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done."
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard.
Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.
When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
"Go get your Mother."
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Thanks a million, Nathan, your jokes are the best! :lol: (no offense to other members)
Last one the best, a woman turned into a man <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="(//tongue.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
thanks a lot both of you!
<img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/smile.png" alt="(//smile.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/smile@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
desert-island jokes:
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "Iâââ‰â¢m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
There is a beautiful desert island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:
âââ¬Ã¢ 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
âââ¬Ã¢ 2 French men and 1 French woman
âââ¬Ã¢ 2 German men and 1 German woman
âââ¬Ã¢ 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
âââ¬Ã¢ 2 English men and 1 English woman
âââ¬Ã¢ 2 Macedonian men and 1 Macedonian woman.
--- --- ---
One month later on this beautiful desert island in the middle of nowhere...
âââ¬Ã¢ The first Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.
âââ¬Ã¢ The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois".
âââ¬Ã¢ The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
âââ¬Ã¢ The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
âââ¬Ã¢ The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
âââ¬Ã¢ The Macedonian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the Macedonian woman and started swimming.
Serial killer takes a woman to the forest. She screams:
-What a dusky and dark forest. I'm afraid very much!
Killer:
-What should I say ? I will return alone...
-I want to speak to the manager!
-He's not there.
-I have seen him a while ago!
-He has seen you, too.
After a mass, John talks to the priest:
-Your talking was fucking good.
-Son, you can't talk like that.
-But your talking was really fucking good.
-Son, stop if you can!
-It was so fucking good, that I decided to give 500$ for the church.
-Bullshit.
-What's the difference between a black guy and a bucket of shit ?
-A Bucket.
Quote-What's the difference between a black guy and a shit ?
-A Bucket.
Another racist cop!
Maybe a bit, Mr Churchill <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="(//tongue.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
heh i knew you would say something like this <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="(//tongue.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
made me laugh !! <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="(//tongue.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20"><img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="(//tongue.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20"><img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="(//tongue.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
Quotemade me laugh !! <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="(//tongue.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20"><img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="(//tongue.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20"><img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="(//tongue.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
Same here <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/biggrin.png" alt="(//bigsmile.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/biggrin@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance;
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on
this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for
six generations"
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. . ."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,
light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the
swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"SH*T!" said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her s*xual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
John is paying a visit to his Italian neighbor in the hospital, who just had a very serious traffic accident. He doesn't look like very much: in plaster, completely wrapped in a bandage, tons of hoses and infusions. he looks like a mummy. John tries to have a conversation, but his neighbor has his eyes closed and isn't responding. Suddenly his eyes jump wide open and he starts to gurgle and during his last gasp for air he says:
"Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, Pezzo di merda ...."
John inscribes the words in his heart.
At the funeral John tells the black-clad widow that her husband had something to say.
'And, she asks with tearful eyes,"was it that he loved me? "
"I do not know," said the man, "but it sounded like Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, pezzo di merda ...."
The widow screams and faints.
"What?" John ask startled to the daughter, "what did he say, what does that mean?" And the crying daughter says:
"You are standing on my oxygen hose, you shit."
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
i still have a lot of jokes and be sure i'll post them <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/wink.png" alt="(//wink.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/wink@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
-What has a soldier to do in case of a nearby nuclear explosion ?
-He has to turn into fallout and kill the enemies.
-I've heard that your husband broke his leg. How was it possible ?
-Very silly. I have just been making some meat, so he went to the basement to bring some potatoes. As usual, he didn't take his torch, he slipped on the stairs and fell down.
-Bad. And what did you do ?
-Pasta.
Black, Hindu and Jew were driving America in their car. In the middle of the night they had a car failure. They decided to repair it at a day time and they decided to look for a place to sleep. Luckily, there was a farm near them. Its host offered them a place for sleep:
-I have two beds in the living room only, so someone of you will have to sleep in the barn.
Jew:
-I can do it.
He went to the barn, black and Hindu have lied on their beds. After 15 mins, there's knocking at the door. It's Jew and says:
-There's a pig in the barn. I can't sleep here, religion forbids me.
Hindu:
-I was sleeping in the slums of Bombay. I can sleep there.
He did so. After 15 mins he is at the door and speaks to the Jew:
-You didn't sat that there's a cow also. I can't sleep here.
Black:
-I'm from Harlem, for me sleeping with a pig and a cow it's a luxury.
He went to the barn. In a little while, knocking at the door. Jew and Hindu go and open them. And they saw pig and a cow.
During the WWII, the Germans caught MacGyver, sent him to the camp and led him to the gas chamber. They closed the door, put a deadly dose of gas, they're waiting, waiting, finally they open the door. McGyver leaves and says:
-You had a leaking gas, but I repaired it.
At the construction site:
-Chief, what time is it ?
-You know, I would like a drink, too...
Fall of meteorites is being observed by a son-in-law and mother-in-law. Son-in-law thought a dream. Mother-in-law didn't make it...
Child is running in the library, loudly treadding he pretends to be a horse.
Library worker arrives and shouts:
-Calm down, these ppl can't read!
-Can't they ? So why are they here ?
On the bus stop there are two guys waiting for a bus. One of them gets a cigarette and starts smoking. Second one arrives and asks:
-Do you have a cigarette for me ?
-Here you are.
-And could you give me a fire ?
-I see that you have only your mouth to smoke.
In the pub there's a guy and he talks to blonde sitting next to him:
-Eee, can I tell you a joke about a blonde ?
She replies:
-You can, but you should know, that I have 1,8 metres height, 70 kilos weight and I'm really strong. Next to me there's another blonde - 1,9 metres height, 80 kilos weight and she does weightlifting. There's also sitting a blonde, 2 metres high, she's good at kick-boxing. You wanna still tell that joke ?
-No, no, no... I'm not going to explain it 3 times...
-Dad, buy me a bike!
-Bike... Son, f*ck the bike. Wait, you will be able to drive a motorbike, don't you like a motorbike ?
-Sure, dad!
Next time conversation:
-Dad, buy me a motorbike!
-F*ck the motorbike, wait 1 year, we will buy a scooter, don't you like scooter ?
-Superb, dad, sure I do!
Next time conversation:
-Dad, buy me a scooter.
-F*ck scooter, wait 2 years, you will get a motor! Motor! Don't you like motor ?
-Yes! Yes! I want!
Next time conversation:
-Dad, what with my scooter ?
-Honestly, there's no sense to buy a motor since you will be able to drive a car in 1 year time. Real car! Huh ?
-Sure, dad...
Next time conversation:
-Dad, buy me a car...
-Car ? Why the f*ck you need the car, since you even cen't drive a bike...
In an United Europe, Euro deputy asks Mr Smith:
-Are you European ?
-No, I'm Polish!
-But you were born in European Union territory.
-When a hen was born in a barn, is she a pig ?
Burning rafinery. Plenty of entities of the fire brigade is looking at flames and explosions without any move. Suddenly, everyone's eyes are focused on old fire brigade car from a nearby village. It rams the fence and finally slows down. Firemen get out and stop the fire.
Governor asks them:
-How could I pay you off for that action ?
The main fireman says:
-Hmmm, firstly it will be useful to repair the brakes...
-Open up, police!
-We didn't order the police, but the wh*res!
-But it was neighbours who called us!
-Neighbours called, neighbours f*ck!
Drug-addict enters a hell and sees a field of marijuana. He picks everything up. Suddenly, he hears a devil:
-Here you have picked up.
He dries it.
Devil:
-Here you have dried.
He goes and makes blunts.
Devil:
-Here are the blunts.
He takes the biggest blunt and asks:
-Do you have fire ?
-If I had fire, there would be a paradise here!
One divorced man, happy that after 15 years he doesn't have to pay the maintenance, he said to his daughter in her 18th birthday:
-My dear, take this cheque and give it to your mother. Tell her that it's the last cheque she will get. And please tell me how did she react...
She took the cheque and went to her mother, and she got back after some time...
-And ? How did she react ?
-She wanted me to tell you, that you ain't my father...
Neil Armstrong lands on the Moon. He gets out of his spaceship and says:
-This is a little step for human, but big for... Wait, what is it ?
He notices that close to him there's a fire, where three man are sitting. They talk and eat sausages. It turn out that they're from Ukraine, Egypt and Poland.
-What are you doing here - asks Armstrong.
-I was milking a cow and once there was an explosion in Chernobyl, I got there - says the one from Ukraine.
-Me - the one from Egypt says - I was walking on the pyramids and it threw me there.
-And you ? - Armstrong asks guy from Poland.
-Shit, I don't know, I'm coming back from the wedding party.
Wife and husband, who can't have kids, go to the priest and say:
-Father, what should we do to have kids ?
-Go to the sanctuary and light a candle.
After 9 years, the same priest visits them and instead of parents he meets 10 kids and asks one of them:
-Where are your parents ?
-They went to the sanctuary to extinguish the candle.
Some French newspaper announced a competition for the best morning's description. First place had an author of such statement: "I get up in the morning, eat a breakfast, have a shower, dress up and drive home".
The last one made me laugh most <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="(//tongue.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
Its WW2 and poland ask for reinforcements from Lithuania.
Poland: send tanks!
Lithuania: should we send one or both?
<img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/biggrin.png" alt="(//bigsmile.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/biggrin@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20"> (//bigsmile.gif) it was in my history book.
QuoteIts WW2 and poland ask for reinforcements from Lithuania.
Poland: send tanks!
Lithuania: should we send one or both?
<img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/biggrin.png" alt="(//bigsmile.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/biggrin@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20"> (//bigsmile.gif) it was in my history book.
Nice (//bigeyes.gif)
Stirlitz walks through the forest and he sees two little lights in the trees.
-An owl - he thinks.
-You're an owl - Bormann thinks.
Hitler and his guys are in the operations room and they discuss new operation using the map hanging on the wall. Suddenly, Stirlitz enters the room, brings a plate of oranges, takes photos and leaves.
One Nazi asks another:
-Why won't you arrest him ?
-That makes no sense, he will say that he has just brought oranges.
(//bigeyes.gif)
Woman and her husband want to go to the beach. Woman says:
-I'd like people to pay more attention to me, what should I put on ?
Husband:
-Put your skates on (//bigwink.gif)
My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' get an erection.
You should have seen her face when I came back with diet pills
One day, an old guy gets on a bus. Several
minutes later a punk kid with red, green, and
orange hair gets on. The kid notices that the
old man keeps staring at him. "What you
staring at, old man? Ain't you ever done
anything wild in your time?"
"Yeah. I fucked a parrot once. I was
wondering if you were my son?"
(//bigwink.gif)
Source https://www.facebook.com/AdultJokes0 (https://www.facebook.com/AdultJokes0)
Billy was on holiday in America and didn't speak very good English. It was his last day and he was heading to the airport to fly home, but first he needed to buy a few things.
He ends up going to the store and asking the clerk for some "BUM". She sits there and thinks for awhile and then says, "Oh you must mean gum."
Then he goes to the fish store and askes if he could get some "FUCK IT". The fish man thinks and says, "Oh I get it, you must mean Bucket (bucket of fish)"
Billy shakes his head as YES.
Then he makes a trip to the pet store and says, "Could I get a cock and spank it?" The pet store owner says "Oh you must mean Cocker Spaniel."
Billy shakes his head YES.
He finally makes it to the airport where he will be catching his flight.
When he gets there he askes this guy...
"Could you hold my bum and fuck it while I get my cock and spank it"
There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and
she told her grandmother about it.
Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young
boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but
don't let him do that."
She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going
to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his
hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him
do that.
Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try
to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like
that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date
and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.
The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the
old lady said.
She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he
tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family.
:lol:
From https://www.facebook.com/AzzyHassebHaveDirtyMind (https://www.facebook.com/AzzyHassebHaveDirtyMind)
Why did Taylor cross the road ?
Cuz she can :cool:
<div></div>
I don't get it <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="(//tongue.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
<div></div>
I am :lol:
But let's not spam <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="(//tongue.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
Srry if i was spamming but it not looks to my like i do :ohmy:
Quoteit not looks to my like i do :ohmy:
What ?
let it go
When I was a KID:
Pussy meant CAT,
Sex meant GENDER,
Bitch was a DOG,
Dick was a NAME,
BJ was a NICK-NAME,
Bang was a SOUND,
Rubber was just like PLASTIC,
Ass was an ANIMAL,
Screw was just a NUT,
Tit was a SNACK,
Head meant a part of BODY !!
But Now
Everything is just Damn Complicated .???ââ¬Â¦.
from https://www.facebook.com/AzzyHassebHaveDirtyMind (https://www.facebook.com/AzzyHassebHaveDirtyMind)
:lol:
Who fucked my mom ?
5 % my dad
95 % kids from online games <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/biggrin.png" alt="(//bigsmile.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/biggrin@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
I found this funny when I realised what you meant :lol:
QuoteI found this funny when I realised what you meant :lol:
Yeah, that word might have two meanings <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="(//tongue.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
Head is for my still part of body .. what is second meaning of it ? <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/biggrin.png" alt="(//bigsmile.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/biggrin@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
QuoteHead is for my still part of body .. what is second meaning of it ? <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/biggrin.png" alt="(//bigsmile.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/biggrin@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
I mean 'fuck' word - sometimes it means fuck (sex) and sometimes it means fuck (cheat someone) <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="(//tongue.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
So Head means fuck ? <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/biggrin.png" alt="(//bigsmile.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/biggrin@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
<img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/smile.png" alt="(//smile.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/smile@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20"> morning people!
A boss and two employees are sent away for a on-site work. At lunch time, they have a break, buy food and
go to eat it in a beautyful public park.
Between the grass, one of them notices a old brass lamp, like the one described in kids stories.
He grabs it shouting "look at it, it's like the aladino's fable one!"
So they all start arguing if there is a Genius in it or not, and after a little while, decided to rub it.
A big, old, tired Genius with a long white beard appears, and with a calm, slow-paced voice he started to explain to them
to be over 1000 years old, and this one will be the last time he can appear, and he can only fullfill 3 wishes, and
because they are 3 people, they can ask only one wish for each.
Incredulous, the first employee says he liked to be on a tropical beach with a cool drink.
The Genius snaps his fingers, and the employee suddenly disappears in a colorful cloud with a "poof" sound.
The second employee, astounded and wondered, asks excitedly : "me too! ...and with a beautyful blonde woman, and
I also want to be rich!"
Again, the Genius snaps his fingers, and the second employee suddenly disappears in a colorful cloud with a "poof" sound,
and then, looking the boss in his eyes, the Genius asks him what he desired the most, before he can finally disappear forever.
The boss thinks a little, then replies to the Genius : "For the end of the lunch break, those two morons should be back on the job."
spaghettino :D DDDDDDDD
Shit the boss is really an asshole!!
QuoteSo Head means fuck ? <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/biggrin.png" alt="(//bigsmile.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/biggrin@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
Lay off from that head :lol:
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone
on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker
function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful
leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and
saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted
last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. T hey will
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really
a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room
are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.
Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.
Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?" Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100." "Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back,
He says,"Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says,"Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up." After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
Lmao Damn:
One day in the great forest, a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.
The frog called for the two to stop. "Because you are the only two animals I have ever seen", the frog said. "I will grant you both three wishes. Bear, you go first."
The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash
helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.
It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."
Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for
money and bought the motorcycle.
For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said,
"I wish the bear was gay."
https://www.facebook.com/AzzyHassebHaveDirtyMind (https://www.facebook.com/AzzyHassebHaveDirtyMind)
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone
on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker
function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful
leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and
saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted
last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. T hey will
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really
a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room
are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.
Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.
Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?" Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100." "Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back,
He says,"Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says,"Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up." After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
Lmao Damn:
One day in the great forest, a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.
The frog called for the two to stop. "Because you are the only two animals I have ever seen", the frog said. "I will grant you both three wishes. Bear, you go first."
The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash
helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.
It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."
Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for
money and bought the motorcycle.
For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said,
"I wish the bear was gay."
https://www.facebook.com/AzzyHassebHaveDirtyMind (https://www.facebook.com/AzzyHassebHaveDirtyMind)
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone
on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker
function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful
leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and
saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted
last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. T hey will
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really
a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room
are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.
Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.
Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?" Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100." "Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back,
He says,"Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says,"Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up." After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
Lmao Damn:
One day in the great forest, a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.
The frog called for the two to stop. "Because you are the only two animals I have ever seen", the frog said. "I will grant you both three wishes. Bear, you go first."
The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash
helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.
It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."
Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for
money and bought the motorcycle.
For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said,
"I wish the bear was gay."
From https://www.facebook.com/AzzyHassebHaveDirtyMind (https://www.facebook.com/AzzyHassebHaveDirtyMind)
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Women's response to ....
.
.
2 inches - I can't even hold it
properly.
3 inches - Never been so
unsatisfied, in my whole life.
4 inches- I've had bigger than it .
5 inches- Good, but not enough!
6 inches- Almost all right.
7 inches- Can't complain, now .
8 inches - Perfect!
9 inches - A bit longer but
manageable.
10 inches- Means pressure on
stomach and intestine.
.
.
This survey was to understand
Customer's Feedback on different
SIZES of Subway Sandwiches.
.
But I love the way you think!! ;(
From https://www.facebook.com/AzzyHassebHaveDirtyMind (https://www.facebook.com/AzzyHassebHaveDirtyMind)
Not being on the internet for a couple of days, obviously means you're dead
Lol, heard this a while back...
A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral
director to hold a grave side committal service at a
small local cemetery for someone with no family or
friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself
lost, making several wrong turns. He arrived a half-hour
late, the hearse was no where in site, and the workmen
were eating lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service. As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the
workmen say: "I've never seen anything like that before, and I've been working on septic tanks for twenty years."
There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
Son:"Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter"
father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.
I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.
Sandra is actually your sister.
"The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later ...
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that.Angela is also your sister."
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,
he went straight to his mother crying.
Son:"Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Dont listen to him He isn't your father."
A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window . "Uh, yes, officer?" The cop says: "What are you doing?"
The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine." Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane....and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?"
The young man says, "I'm 22, sir." The cop asks, "And her ... what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
Ultimate Insult...!!!
A woman & her son were riding
in a taxi.
All the prostitutes were standing
at a bus stop.
Boy: Mom, what are these women
doing here?
Mom: They are waiting for their
husband.
Taxi driver: Why don't you tell him
the truth, that they are hookers &
have sex with men for money.
Boy: Is that true Mom?
Mom: (Glaring hard at the driver)
says, YES.
Kid asks: Mom, what happens to
the babies these women have?
ââ â
ââ â
ââ â
ââ â
ââ â
ââ â
ââ â
ââ â
ââ â
Mom: They become taxi
drivers...!!!
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it would be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better," replied the Marine. The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time," said the Marine. "How did you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
A Boyfriend texts his Girlfriend
saying "Hey babe you wanna
come over and have sex?"
Girlfriend texts back "Duh!"
So the girl goes over her
Boyfriends house, and right
before they get into it, he sets the
boundaries. "Ok, so my little
brother is home, and I have bunk
beds. He's on the bottom bunk. If
you want it harder, you say
tomato. If you want it faster, you
say lettuce, and if you want to
moan you say any other
ingredients that would be on a
sandwich."
So they're up on the top bunk
having sex, and she's yelling
"Tomato! Tomato! Lettuce!
Lettuce! Cheese! Cheese!"
Well the little brother is still on the
bottom bunk and yells "Hey can
you guys knock it off, your getting
Mayonnaise all over me!!!"
A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.
As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here."
The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."
In a train compartment, there are
3 men and a ravishing young girl.
The four passengers join in
conversation, which very soon
turns to the erotic. Then, the
young girl proposes, "If each of
you will give me $1.00, I will show
you my legs." The men, charmed
by this young girl, all pull a buck
out of their wallet. And then the
girl pulls us her dress a bit to
show her legs. Then she says, "If
each of you gentlemen will give
me $10.00, I'll show you my
thighs," and men being what they
are, they all pull out a ten dollar
bill. The girl pulls up her dress all
the way to her legs in full.
The conversation continues, and
the men, a bit excited, have all
taken off their coats. Then the
young girl says, "If you will give
me $100, I will show you where I
was operated on for
appendicitis." All three fork over
the money. The girl then turned to
the window and points outside at
a building they're passing.
"See there in the distance. That's
the hospital where I had it done!"
(//m.ak.fbcdn.net/sphotos-f.ak/hphotos-ak-prn1/p480x480/994324_617113121654222_1014026488_n.png&key=5016a96817e285be167304c49c14f4f5ec4e6ebaee07c66fa0bdd83680dfc5a4)
In other world, LMFAO :lol:
https://www.facebook.com/AzzyHassebHaveDirtyMind (https://www.facebook.com/AzzyHassebHaveDirtyMind)
There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
Son:"Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter"
father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.
I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.
Sandra is actually your sister.
"The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later ...
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that.Angela is also your sister."
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,
he went straight to his mother crying.
Son:"Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Dont listen to him He isn't your father."
A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window . "Uh, yes, officer?" The cop says: "What are you doing?"
The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine." Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane....and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?"
The young man says, "I'm 22, sir." The cop asks, "And her ... what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
Ultimate Insult...!!!
A woman & her son were riding
in a taxi.
All the prostitutes were standing
at a bus stop.
Boy: Mom, what are these women
doing here?
Mom: They are waiting for their
husband.
Taxi driver: Why don't you tell him
the truth, that they are hookers &
have sex with men for money.
Boy: Is that true Mom?
Mom: (Glaring hard at the driver)
says, YES.
Kid asks: Mom, what happens to
the babies these women have?
ââ â
ââ â
ââ â
ââ â
ââ â
ââ â
ââ â
ââ â
ââ â
Mom: They become taxi
drivers...!!!
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it would be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better," replied the Marine. The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time," said the Marine. "How did you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
A Boyfriend texts his Girlfriend
saying "Hey babe you wanna
come over and have sex?"
Girlfriend texts back "Duh!"
So the girl goes over her
Boyfriends house, and right
before they get into it, he sets the
boundaries. "Ok, so my little
brother is home, and I have bunk
beds. He's on the bottom bunk. If
you want it harder, you say
tomato. If you want it faster, you
say lettuce, and if you want to
moan you say any other
ingredients that would be on a
sandwich."
So they're up on the top bunk
having sex, and she's yelling
"Tomato! Tomato! Lettuce!
Lettuce! Cheese! Cheese!"
Well the little brother is still on the
bottom bunk and yells "Hey can
you guys knock it off, your getting
Mayonnaise all over me!!!"
A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.
As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here."
The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."
In a train compartment, there are
3 men and a ravishing young girl.
The four passengers join in
conversation, which very soon
turns to the erotic. Then, the
young girl proposes, "If each of
you will give me $1.00, I will show
you my legs." The men, charmed
by this young girl, all pull a buck
out of their wallet. And then the
girl pulls us her dress a bit to
show her legs. Then she says, "If
each of you gentlemen will give
me $10.00, I'll show you my
thighs," and men being what they
are, they all pull out a ten dollar
bill. The girl pulls up her dress all
the way to her legs in full.
The conversation continues, and
the men, a bit excited, have all
taken off their coats. Then the
young girl says, "If you will give
me $100, I will show you where I
was operated on for
appendicitis." All three fork over
the money. The girl then turned to
the window and points outside at
a building they're passing.
"See there in the distance. That's
the hospital where I had it done!"
(//m.ak.fbcdn.net/sphotos-f.ak/hphotos-ak-prn1/p480x480/994324_617113121654222_1014026488_n.png&key=5016a96817e285be167304c49c14f4f5ec4e6ebaee07c66fa0bdd83680dfc5a4)
In other words, LMFAO :lol:
https://www.facebook.com/AzzyHassebHaveDirtyMind (https://www.facebook.com/AzzyHassebHaveDirtyMind)
What did an elephant say seeing a naked man ?
-How can you eat with this ? :lol: :lol: :lol:
ROFL <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/biggrin.png" alt="(//bigsmile.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/biggrin@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. (It was valid).
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. (The driver owned the car).
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. (Trunk is opened; no body).
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Oh Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!!
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......
* she called me to get my phone number.
* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
*she tried to drown a fish.
*she thought a quarterback was a refund.
*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
*she tripped over a cordless phone.
*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
*she studied for a blood test.
*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home
Below could be answers to what your kid may ask you in future!
Son (S) : Why is making love so enjoyable ?
Father (F) : It is just like the sensation when you are digging your nose with your finger !!
S : Why do women enjoy more than men ?
F : It is because when you dig your nose, your nose feels more comfort than your finger.
S: Why do women hate it when they get raped ?
F: It is like when you are walking on the street, someone else come over and dig your nose, do you like it ??
S: Why can a woman not have sex when she is in her periods?
F: If your nose is bleeding, do you still dig it ??
S: Why do men not like to wear condoms when they are making love ?
F: Do you like to dig your nose with a glove on your finger.
S: Why is making love carried out in private?
F: Will you dig you nose in front of your class? Stupid!
S: WAAO . . father you are GREAT.
Q: Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice container for 15 minutes?
A: It said "concentrate".
3 sisters got married & went for honeymoon. Mom asked them 2 send feedback sms.
1st daughter's sms: 'NESCAFE'
Mom checks out nescafe ad: It read 'GOOD TO THE LAST DROP'.
Mom smiles.
2nd daughter's sms: 'BENSON & HEDGES'
Mom checks out ad: It read 'KING SIZE, EXTRA LONG'.
Mom smiles again.
3rd daughter's sms: 'BRITISH AIRWAYS'
Mom checks out British Airways ad & faints down. It read:
'3 TIMES DAILY, 7 DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS!!!
Three guys are in a doctor's office. One is a drunk, another's a smoker and the third's a gay guy. The doctor tells each of them that, if they induldge in their bad habit one more time, they will die.
Outside they pass a bar. The drunk says, ââ¬ÅI don't care if I die, I need a drink.ââ¬Â The drunk goes into the bar takes a drink and, sure enough, he drops dead.
Meanwhile the smoker and the gay guy are walking along. Then the smoker spots a lit cigarette on the sidewalk. The gay guy looks over and says, ââ¬ÅIf you bend down to pick that up, we're both dead.ââ¬Â
A woman finds Aladdin's magic
lamp. She starts rubbing it and a
Genie comes out as usual. The
woman looks at the Genie and
asks him to grant her wishes:
- I want my husband to have eyes
only for me
- I want to be the only one in his
life
- I want him to sleep always by my
side
- I want that when he gets up in
the morning I'm the first thing he
grabs and takes me everywhere
he goes.
The Genie turned her into a Smart
Phone....!!!
A guy in plane stood up n shouted
ââ¬ÅHIJACK !!! ââ¬Â
All passengers got scared n raised
Hands
.
.
.
.
from other end Of the plane a guy
shouted back
ââ¬ÅHi JOHNââ¬Â !!!
Lmao :lol:
-When does the PC work the loudest ?
-At 2 AM, when everybody sleeps.
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Quote-When does the PC work the loudest ?
-At 2 AM, when everybody sleeps.
:lol: :lol: :lol:
All you need is darkness, and all of a sudden poof, everything's much louder <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/biggrin.png" alt="(//bigsmile.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/biggrin@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
Quote<blockquote data-ipsquote="" class="ipsQuote" data-ipsquote-contentapp="forums" data-ipsquote-contenttype="forums" data-ipsquote-contentid="1131" data-ipsquote-contentclass="forums_Topic"><div>-When does the PC work the loudest ?
-At 2 AM, when everybody sleeps.
:lol: :lol: :lol:
All you need is darkness, and all of a sudden poof, everything's much louder <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/biggrin.png" alt="(//bigsmile.gif)" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/biggrin@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">
</div></blockquote>
I'm sorry, but what is poof ?
While browsing the web, i found a picture of two dogs, and wondered about how it will fit two well known characters :cool:
After a little while, i ended up with this :cheer:
(//i43.tinypic.com/aw9r1i.jpg&key=7306af07de9a32c1c7f4e7598d2884c88cd04e989c6e2a703c13cb82f56a31c0)
QuoteI'm sorry' date=' but what is poof ?[/quote']
:s illy: :lol: sorry, I meant a sudden effect of something like an explosion, a loud sound, you know
(//images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/8/89/Poof.gif&key=86b35a6f8580c9ce238a6cf4c21a4f312a60ae29a114a8ed4b77b8e7bc4db13f)
Did you know that if you scream "Bloody Marry" 3 times , in the mirror at 3 AM. your mom will tell you to shut up and go to bed
That was pretty, spag :lol:
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: